


Popcorn and a Troll Flick

by alonesearcher



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Gen, One Shot, Pesterlog, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2013-03-25
Packaged: 2017-12-06 10:57:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alonesearcher/pseuds/alonesearcher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A one-shot about the human kids watching some movies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Popcorn and a Troll Flick

“No stop you idiot! Why would she want to have sex right now?”

“That is because the female sex drive is insatiable no matter what.”

“I have not found that to be the case,” Rose laughed at Jade and Dave’s attempts to sway the woman on screen from her decision to seduce her boyfriend amidst carnage. “Under normal circumstances I think she would be frigid. The excitement of having her life in danger is the only thing that stimulates her.”

“God damnit Rose, that is fucked up. I can’t watch this shit now,” Dave reached for the remote but John swiped it.

“No way man! It’s just getting good!” John’s eyes didn’t move from the screen as he moved the remote out of Dave’s reach. “Shut up, I’m trying to watch.”

“You are the only one who thinks so,” Dave pointed out. He leaned forward, eyeing the remote. “I don’t want to spoil the ending here but the couple having sex is going to die, the chick in the shower is going to die, and everyone else? They’re going to die.” John jumped as the killer leapt out from the bushes where the couple was half clothed. Dave groaned. “John I will harm you. Is that what you want? You want me to make you look like a tool in front of the girls?”

John ignored him, enraptured in his show. Jade hid behind Rose’s shoulder, peeking glances at the screen. “Oh goodness, that is a lot of blood.”

“It is corn syrup,” Rose corrected.

Dave stood. “I’m going to get some popcorn, I just hope without a manly presence in the room you three girls don’t deteriorate into puddles of sobbing estrogen goo.”

“I’ll try to contain myself,” Rose smirked at him, cool and collected as she sat between John and Jade. “Thank you for fetching the refreshments for us.”

“Yeah no problem, I’m here to serve,” Dave headed for the kitchen. “John, where does your dad keep the popcorn?”

“Top shelf, behind about five boxes of cake mix,” John said annoyed.

Dave frowned. “When I get back I am going to hurt you.”

“Dave I’m watching a show,” John whined.

He rolled his eyes, despite the fact they couldn’t see him do it. He left to finish his task of popcorn fetching, muttering threats under his breath. Rose gave John an amused glance. “Surely this movie cannot hold your attention so completely. Despite the fact that it is old and poorly made, the plot is so linear. It is no surprise what is going to happen.”  
John waved his hand dismissively. “It’s not old, it’s a classic. And you don’t know who he is going to kill or how he will kill them, or if he’ll kill them all.”

Rose’s looked at Jade. “Yes, it is a real nail biter. Jade are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Jade grinned sheepishly. “I know it’s all faked, but it’s startling when they jump out like that.”

Rose watched the black and white film play for a short time, finding herself analyzing the mindset of the killer. Then she felt silly for wondering if there was something deeper in this old movie that was obviously just a hack and slash them film. She looked at the kitchen longingly when the salty smell of buttery popcorn started wafting in, causing her stomach to rumble. “John, do you have a movie that is from the last two or three decades?”

He pushed pause, thinking about his impressive collection thoughtfully. “Well yes, but actually now that you mention it there is one movie you might be interested in watching.”  
“Oh really,” Rose stopped her vigilant watch of the kitchen door for food to look at John, her interest piqued. “What kind of movie?”

“Karkat gave it to me,” John stood with a stretch, his body stiff from sitting for an hour. “He was going through his movies and gave it to me. It’s a horror troll flick I think. I guess it didn’t fit in with his other movies. He said something along the lines of ‘my sparse human intellect would probably better comprehend the simple concept of terror more easily then be able to wrap my empty think pan around the multifaceted and varied complexities of troll romance’ or something.”

Rose’s eyes sparkled with the idea of learning more about troll culture. She frequently absorbed whatever information about troll culture she could in whatever form of media was available. “I would love to watch that movie.”

“What movie?” Dave asked as he came back in the room brandishing buttery goodness.  
Jade bounced off the couch like it was on fire. She made a beeline for the popcorn, but Dave held it above her head while she reached for it. “Daaaaaaave!”

John jogged to the steps. “Okay I’ll fetch the movie and we can all be scared silly by alien culture.”

“Are we watching an alien sex film dude, cause I think we should get Jade and Rose some blindfolds or something. I mean for shit man,” Dave ignored Jade’s attempts to obtain the crunchy treat as he wandered back to the couch. “Seems like that is a thing we should show some fucking decorum with.”

Rose pursed her lips as she considered how to not play keep away with the ninja, but still get the popcorn into her custody. “It is a horror film that Karkat gave to John. It should be an interesting and informative look into the troll psyche.”

Dave smiled knowingly as he held Jade’s head, her arms swinging comically as she protested. “I feel like Karkat would only own his cheesy romcoms.”

Rose shrugged.

“Dave, would you share the popcorn already!” Jade insisted.

“What popcorn?” Dave popped a kernel in his mouth. Jade turned to Rose for help, who shrugged. With a sigh Jade glanced at her rifle, leaning against the door next to the umbrellas. “Woah, okay, here is the popcorn. No need to start pulling weapons on each other.”

Jade claimed her prize with a grin. “Victory!”

Rose glided closer to reap the benefits of Jade’s island style justice. “Thanks Dave.”

He ruffled his hair. “Anything for the ladies.”

At that moment John made his triumphant return, holding the DVD aloft. “Here it is. This is A Terrifying and Bloody Horror Film. It is About Five Young Wrigglers Hunted By a Rabid Hoofbeast That Stomps Them with Sharp Hooves. The Wrigglers Search for the Way to Stop Him While Dealing With Him Chasing and Culling Everyone in Their Lives. The Female Troll Greenblood Develops a Blackrom Relationship With the Male Rustblood Troll... um, the title goes on so let’s just watch it. Wow the text is small on this.”

As John put the DVD into the player Rose snatched up the case, her eyes scanning the text in facination. Dave raised his eyebrows. “Are you reading that whole title?”

She made a small confirming noise as an answer. Jade glanced at the picture art curiously. “Do you think that troll’s have a more scary horror movie than us, or that this will be kind of funny?”

“I’m sure we’ll be terrified,” Rose looked up as John plopped down next to her. “Though actually, I’m not sure that the same things that scare a troll will scare a human. Well, not in the same sense of the word anyway, or even on the same scale.”

“Are you kidding me?” Dave leaned back, his arm over the back of the couch as he looked over the top of his glasses at the intro beginning on the television screen. “I predict I will pee my proverbial pants after seeing this. I have no doubts I will lose my ever present cool, sobbing and weeping for it to stop as I cower behind John’s badass form. Scared out of my mind and haunted for the rest of my fucking days by the horrors of troll film making skills.”

John snickered. “Karkat assures me that troll films are superior in just about every possible way to human films.”

“Karkat is an asshole with a narrow fucking view of shit,” was Dave’s curt response.  
“What the hell are we even looking at?” Jade squinted at the screen from her position snuggled between John and Dave. “What is that goo?”

Rose’s eyes widened. “I’ve never seen anything about the beginning of a troll’s life. This is interes- FUCK!”

All four of them cursed in unison at the immediate bloodbath that erupted onscreen. Jade had accidently thrown the popcorn forward from her lap, dumping it across the coffee table and under it. “Oh my goodness!”

“I think Karkat pulled a prank on us,” John’s nails were digging into the arm of the couch, his eyes glued to the screen as his muscles tightened, adrenaline pulsing in his body. 

Jade had her hands fisted in Dave’s sleeve on one side, and Rose’s on the other. Rose felt paler than usual as she determinately kept her eyes on the screen, ignoring her pounding heart. Dave had frozen in place, even his breathing was shallow. They all stared at the screen disturbed. They weren’t sure what they were watching. The troll horror film had revealed itself to be an unexpectedly gory and traumatizing piece. The human teenagers made it a third of the way through the movie before finally admitting defeat. 

None of them ever talked about it again. They all had trouble sleeping, and the first night they slept in a big pile on the floor, not wanting to be alone.

Karkat logged onto his trollian the next afternoon, surprised to see four messages waiting for him from his human associates. What could they possibly all be bugging him about?

\--gardenGnostic [GG] \--began pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] -–

GG: karkat you are so mean!!!  
GG: i can’t believe you thought that was a good idea :(  
GG: you’re not very mature!!! >:(

\--gardenGnostic [GG] \--ceased pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

Karkat stared at the computer for a moment in confusion. What was wrong with her? He hadn’t even talked to her in weeks! Certainly nothing to have little misses sunshine in a mood. Humans were so temperamental. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] – began pestering --gardenGnostic [GG] –

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HARLEY!?

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] – ceased pestering --gardenGnostic [GG] –

He clicked off the chat and opened the next waiting message from Dave Strider. Karkat grimaced. He always had a huge head ache after talking to Dave pretty much every time.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] \-- began pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

TG: i imagine youre sitting up in your house or hive or whatever  
TG: cackling to yourself like a witch over a big old cauldron  
TG: stirring your frog eyes and newt tales into the perfect revenge soup  
TG: dancing naked in the moonlight  
TG: couldnt even finish that shit man  
TG: you get your sick thrills out of traumatizing aliens with your fucked up culture  
TG: first time you actually trolled us successfully  
TG: i dont even know how you would have gone about making that thing exist

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] \-- ceased pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] -– began pestering -- turntechGodhead [TG] -–

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. YOU CONTINUE TO SPOUT LINE AFTER LINE OF NONSENSE AT ME FOR NO FUCKING REASON. IS THAT SUPPOST TO BE ONE OF YOUR SHITTY RAPS? IF NOT AND IN SOME WAY I DID MANAGE TO TRAUMATIZE YOU REST ASSURED IT HAS ONLY MADE MY LIFE BETTER KNOWING IN SOME WAY I ASSISTED IN BRINGING YOU SOME SORT OF PAIN.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] – ceased pestering -- turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] \-- began pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

TT: Though I greatly appreciate any opportunity to acquire more understanding about your society I cannot envision myself emerging as a healthy adult if I would have continued to delve further into the murkiest corners of where your people are prepared to go.  
TT: I would caution you to take more care with the material you sanction to cross between humans and trolls. I cannot guess that you predicted the impact it would have on another species to see such a thing, but I implore you to attempt to be more culturally sensitive in the future.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] \-- ceased pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

He wasn’t even positive of what Rose was talking about. It seemed along the lines of what Dave was saying about traumatizing them. What material was she talking about?

\--ectoBiologist [EB] \--began pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

EB: aww man  
EB: you got us good karkat  
EB: that movie was the scariest thing i’ve ever seen.  
EB: i doubt any of us will be able to visit your neck of the woods for a long time  
EB: but seriously you have to take it back  
EB: i can’t sleep with it in the house  


\--ectoBiologist [EB] \--ceased pestering -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

Karkat had to laugh. They were all upset about the movie? It was so cheesy and fake. He knew that Earth cinema was light years behind anything Alternia had nowadays, but he had no idea that such a bad horror movie could disturb them like that. Well he sure as fuck wasn’t about to apologize because they were all cowards.

If they saw something that he considered scary they’d never leave their rooms. 

END

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my partner in crime for always looking over my work to correct my grammar and edit my codes! And thank you readers for reading my stories.


End file.
